For years I practiced to write and smoke and teach.
I pretended and faked so hard
with my own picture writing system, my own chewing-gum cigarettes, my own imaginary students
just so that one day, I’d be ready for the real deal: the poems, the party, the classroom. For life, as the others painted it to be, you know?
And then I wrote and smoked and taught
for the first time
with dictionary words, cancerous tobacco, and curious students.
And man, real life, at first, is tough! There are so many ways to do it, life, and everyone tells you how and why and, most often, NO!
Indeed, in all my firsts,
I feel the cookiecut actions I engage in, and I hate it! I hate the sameness, the normalcy, the predictability in it, because they make me dread the new, because you have already laid out exactly how I’m gonna react. And listen – I’m gonna make it my life goal to not let that happen, because – surprise – I’m ready to fail. My life is long. And I’m gonna fall. Many a time, but I have time. I’m just so thrilled, because at all times, I get to
and a fucking gain.
And every second time around, I’m making it more mine, more surprising, more authentic, and never, never, never the socially acceptable, and certainly not yours.
And so as my, my collection of firsts
grows and grows and grows
every time of day, in every way,
my collection of seconds grows twice as fast.
Because I’ve found my signature, my voice, my favorite dance move. Because I’m gonna participate, make rules, and bring change. Maybe because I have an ego, and maybe because I’m not ready to just exist. I’m living, and living leaves traces behind and marks and even scars. I’m gonna deal with it.
Because in all this mess, the chaos, the noise,
all I seek is meaning
that which I understand
and can live with forever and ever
in how it makes me relate to God and myself and, most importantly, to other people
that which makes sense to me
and my ears
that hear different things that yours do
which is ok.
More than that, actually –
and it’s dialogue,
if we make it so.
So – we should talk.