So many times, I’ve tried to put it into words, this feeling of… see, here we go again. I can’t do it, yet again.
Usually, beautiful feelings (and this one is quite beautiful, probably the most beautiful of all. Actually, beyond that, it is the superlative combination of all inherently beautiful feelings.) make me do the exact opposite; these magical moments compel me to write in the first place. Yeah, not this one. I tried once this summer, after a very grownup conversation about death (I’m not willing or ready to say ‘with’, because that would imply that I would take death head on, which I wouldn’t, not even in my most entitled of all youthfully quixotic moments.), but… it just wasn’t enough. Ironically, with this feeling, I fear that if I write it down, I’ll lessen it or take away from its profundity. Or both for that matter. I NEVER feel this way about anything magical (feelings are just magical to me) in life. Never. But I do with this one.
Quick side note here. I NEVER do irony, because I just don’t like it (nor do I get it, nor do I want to), and I NEVER say never, because I just don’t believe in the concept in the context of life. But with this feeling, rules and habits and everything in between go out the window.
So, in conclusion, I failed and am still failing to write it into lasting being. I know, feel, and can even write what it is not. I can attempt and get at parts of it. But at the end of the day, it’s too massive, too deep, too essential, too godly to be captured.
And then, on this blue-skied, crisp November morning, I read this paragraph that summed it all up. Before sharing it with you, I want to describe to you what it did to me: it made me smile at first. “Cute simile, very age-appropriate.” Then I was surprised, pleasantly surprised. And at the end of it, humbled and moved, I melted into a sea of goosebumps.
So, see for yourself. Let it take you where it took me. See if you like the place; see if you’ve been there before, if you’ve loved there before. Here it is:
The morning after I wrote all this, I had a weird feeling, and tried to identify it. It was precisely like I had a huge crush on some girl, a girl I’d definitely be seeing soon. You know what I mean – that weird, bubbly feeling where you almost vibrate with anticipation. Only then I realized that it wasn’t over any girl, it was over God. In realizing all that was written above, I found myself in direct, relational contact with God, beginning to fulfill the purpose of my humanity. I was (and am)…in the beginning stages of a loving relationship with my Creator, which made me…giddy. How hilarious is that? – J.S.
And so it dawned on me: this profound feeling that I get – this overwhelming physical and cognitive accord – witnesses my “beginning to fulfill the purpose of my humanity”. Of this purpose-giving essence, both the names and manifestations (will and should, to make it interesting!) differ.
My purpose-giving essence is ‘God’/’Love’. Both equally hard to rationally understand and both equally incredible to humanly feel so… pick the one you’ve heard more tangibly positive effects on humans about and go from there.
Furthermore, the MSG manifestations of this purpose, I believe for me to be Living In His Image/Living Love (subject to change as I just began my twenties three days ago, but I put it in general terms so it can earn timelessness and include most practical changes ahead.). And this life-love-style, I pray and hope and long, happens in thought, word, touch, action, silence, community, solitude… in as many ways as humanly possible with as many different people as possible for as long as possible.
And for you, all this might differ. Your purpose-giving essence might be השם or الله – or just your neighbor. Your actual purpose might be different and its manifestations might be different as well. Actually, as we are all given different identities, experiences, and strengths, more likely than not, all of the above will indeed differ for you.
And the purpose of ALL humanity is making it work. Just because we can.